my heart hurts.
I'm not even sure what to say or how to say it and this will probably be a long post with no direction and no grammar and misspellings and i dont care. Yesterday I was thinking about trying to talk to the best friend that i had a falling out with because i dont want us to stay like this forever but i think i have come to the conculsion that it needs more time. it hasnt been that long since the whole falling out happened but this is the longest we have ever gone in our whole 23 years of living without speaking to each other. it is crazy and sad and frustrating and so many things at the same time. i am sad that we are both going thru amazingly happy things in our lives and we arent there for each other. i am frustrated by the falling out. i am upset that we dont call each other our Person anymore. but mostly i think about 'what if we never talked again'...and that seems so crazy to me. as much as i am 'too nice' and part of me wants to reach out to her...she can just as easily reach out to me. my phone number and email address have not changed in 10 years. legitimately. i have had the exact same email address and phone number since i got email and a phone number. and on top of that, my parents have lived in the same house my entire life, so my 'permanent address' is the same as its always been. i mean it goes both ways, could i reach out to her first? yeah. could she reach out to me first? yeah. but i think the whole thing needs time.
But, now that is yesterdays news because today i have discovered something so insane that i almost cant wrap my head around the whole thing. i mean, it is partially not surprising but it threw me for a loop and i dont even know what to fully think about it. I found out today that my beautiful, intelligent, innocent baby brother has no idea i even exist. not one clue. cannot identify me out of pictures. does not know my name as significant. does not know he has 2 sisters. My cute baby brother, that i watched grow in my moms belly, and then helped take care of as a proud big sister, and formed a precious bond with, has absolutely no idea that he has me as his big.older sister. no clue. not one bit. all of the cards for his birthdays that i have ever sent havent been given to him. all of the christmas presents that i sent that i took time to thoughtfully pick out have had the name changed on them so they look as though they are from someone else. He is living in a world where all he knows is that he has a mom, a dad and one big sister. I am honestly and truly beyond words with this one. I understand he was still young when I moved out. he was only 3. but, i thought maybe the conversations had somewhat been had about me being his sister and pictures maybe had been shown...but no. nothing. i loved (and still do) that sweet baby like i cant even describe. i was so proud to have a baby brother. i helped my mom out with him whenever i could. i remember i used to give him baths all the time and the only way he'd let me shampoo his little hair is if i said 'shaaammmppooooooooooo' and then when he was done i would swaddle him up in a big towel and carry him back downstairs. ugh it makes me so so so sad to think that he has no clue about me. i mean it isnt his fault. obviously. children dont remember anything before age 3 mostly. how is he supposed to remembee the 3 years i was around. maybe its partially my fault, i should have pushed more to be around him after i moved out. but essentially my mother kept me away from him and him away from me, clearly. she kept him so much away from me that now he doesnt know me at all. i feel like i tried. i tried to be in his life and i tried i have my mother let us spend time together but she never allowed it. or essentially just never made it happen. and now, my precious baby brother is going into the third grade. THE THIRD FREAKING GRADE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the time has flown by too fast. sooner or later he is going to find out he has another older sister. older by 15 years but still, older and still his sister. even if i am technically only a half sister, that doesnt matter to me. it never has. i dont have any full siblings but you wouldnt know it because i dont go around saying: my half brother on my mothers side. no. i say: my little brother. but he, unfortunately cannot say: my older sister about me. the whole thing makes me heart hurt. how could my mom do that. how could a mother keep her kids apart like that. but how could i have done this. how could i have let it get this out of control. so out of my hands. i should have tried to see him more. my feelings are truly hurt. that may sound very elementary or immature but honestly that is exactly how i feel, my heart hurts, my feelings are hurt and i am sad. not sad for me but sad for him. one way or another he will find out about me and i feel like that will fuck him up a little bit. that is the only way i can describe it, like how will he feel when he is old enough to understand better and he finds out and realizes that his whole fucking life there has been this lie. or not even lie as much as secret to him. oh my god. i just cant even begin to think about it. i will be here with open arms when and if he does want to get to know me after so much time has passed.
i dont even know what else to say or how to say it. it has be so sad even thinking about it. but it also has me angry. really angry that this has happened. really angry at my own mother for doing this. what the fuck was she thinking? is she crazy? where is her head at with this whole thing?! was it just easier not to explain it to him? did she not want him to know about me? or did it just kind of happen? was it too hard to try and have him understand the whole situation? ......................................i dont know. i just dont know. i dont get it and i dont know.
But, now that is yesterdays news because today i have discovered something so insane that i almost cant wrap my head around the whole thing. i mean, it is partially not surprising but it threw me for a loop and i dont even know what to fully think about it. I found out today that my beautiful, intelligent, innocent baby brother has no idea i even exist. not one clue. cannot identify me out of pictures. does not know my name as significant. does not know he has 2 sisters. My cute baby brother, that i watched grow in my moms belly, and then helped take care of as a proud big sister, and formed a precious bond with, has absolutely no idea that he has me as his big.older sister. no clue. not one bit. all of the cards for his birthdays that i have ever sent havent been given to him. all of the christmas presents that i sent that i took time to thoughtfully pick out have had the name changed on them so they look as though they are from someone else. He is living in a world where all he knows is that he has a mom, a dad and one big sister. I am honestly and truly beyond words with this one. I understand he was still young when I moved out. he was only 3. but, i thought maybe the conversations had somewhat been had about me being his sister and pictures maybe had been shown...but no. nothing. i loved (and still do) that sweet baby like i cant even describe. i was so proud to have a baby brother. i helped my mom out with him whenever i could. i remember i used to give him baths all the time and the only way he'd let me shampoo his little hair is if i said 'shaaammmppooooooooooo' and then when he was done i would swaddle him up in a big towel and carry him back downstairs. ugh it makes me so so so sad to think that he has no clue about me. i mean it isnt his fault. obviously. children dont remember anything before age 3 mostly. how is he supposed to remembee the 3 years i was around. maybe its partially my fault, i should have pushed more to be around him after i moved out. but essentially my mother kept me away from him and him away from me, clearly. she kept him so much away from me that now he doesnt know me at all. i feel like i tried. i tried to be in his life and i tried i have my mother let us spend time together but she never allowed it. or essentially just never made it happen. and now, my precious baby brother is going into the third grade. THE THIRD FREAKING GRADE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the time has flown by too fast. sooner or later he is going to find out he has another older sister. older by 15 years but still, older and still his sister. even if i am technically only a half sister, that doesnt matter to me. it never has. i dont have any full siblings but you wouldnt know it because i dont go around saying: my half brother on my mothers side. no. i say: my little brother. but he, unfortunately cannot say: my older sister about me. the whole thing makes me heart hurt. how could my mom do that. how could a mother keep her kids apart like that. but how could i have done this. how could i have let it get this out of control. so out of my hands. i should have tried to see him more. my feelings are truly hurt. that may sound very elementary or immature but honestly that is exactly how i feel, my heart hurts, my feelings are hurt and i am sad. not sad for me but sad for him. one way or another he will find out about me and i feel like that will fuck him up a little bit. that is the only way i can describe it, like how will he feel when he is old enough to understand better and he finds out and realizes that his whole fucking life there has been this lie. or not even lie as much as secret to him. oh my god. i just cant even begin to think about it. i will be here with open arms when and if he does want to get to know me after so much time has passed.
i dont even know what else to say or how to say it. it has be so sad even thinking about it. but it also has me angry. really angry that this has happened. really angry at my own mother for doing this. what the fuck was she thinking? is she crazy? where is her head at with this whole thing?! was it just easier not to explain it to him? did she not want him to know about me? or did it just kind of happen? was it too hard to try and have him understand the whole situation? ......................................i dont know. i just dont know. i dont get it and i dont know.
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